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Wednesday, 01 May 2013

Make it Like it Was

4.7.13
I was just thinking about what happened yesterday. And howit happened and why. Like, I just wanted that feeling again. That feeling ofintimacy and lust and love and being with him. He wanted to try and get me upagainst the wall and any other time that would have worked, but I wasn’tfeeling it. He also tried from behind, but that would mean that he was incharge and not me. So, I just instructed (actually, it was more like demanded)that he lie down and I got on top of him. And, granted, it wasn’t the bestwe’ve ever had, but the sensation and the adrenaline and just everything comingtogether made it all right. Until it wasn’t. lol. I started crying, then, Irealized I was faking kinda. But not really, I just wanted him to not try tobust a nut on top of me because I didn’t think he deserved it. But the tearskept falling, so maybe I wasn’t. o.O And he tried to calm me down. It worked alittle bit, but I was just like… ugh, what the fuck just happened!? I was madat myself, mad at him and mad that it happened so close to when we had toleave. I was panicking because I knew that it should NOT have gone down likethat. I was disgusted. I’m still like… :-o over the whole thing. And I was sosure that someone would be able to tell what I’d (what we’d) just done, butlife went on, no one said anything. Crazy shit.
I love intimacy and that’s what I really do miss about beingwith him. That feeling of closeness that I don’t get every day. Um, he says heneeds me in his life. I don’t necessarily need him, but I want him. I don’tknow.
I think I just figured out why he says I’ve changed for the“bad”. I think it’s because I’m more confident. Like, he knows I’m talking tosomeone else and I have. I have been chatting with Klegend for a minute, but Ihave NO FREAKING IDEA where that’s going if anywhere. But, uh, I think he cansee that I’m not gonna make it easy, even if we did have sex. That I’m notgonna just be like, I love you and you love me, so I’m going to take you back.NO! And that scares him because he definitely thought I would. At some points,I thought I would, too. But, I have to be strong. Stronger than I was in thatlocker room, definitely. Lmasso.
--
I am making a vow right now… now that I’m back from myvacation.
1.      I will stop biting my nails. They hurt and Idon’t want to have to deal with the pain.
2.      I will exercise on a regular basis. And I willlose fat and gain muscle.
3.      I will find a job that will enable me to pay offmy TCNJ bill.
4.      In doing that (#3), I will be able to gooverseas and gain new experiences.
5.      I’m going to try and lead an interesting life, alife that I’d want to read about in a book.
6.      I’m going to continue to write.
7.      I’m going to continue to be a role model. Nomatter how hard it is.
8.      I’m going to read (try to anyway. Lol) one booka month. This month it’s “Extraordinary Togetherness”
I really don’t feel like going back to work. I guess mostpeople feel like that after vacation, but I’m tired of seeing the same people.Lol. But, it is what it is. I only have to stick it out for a few months andmaybe I can get a job at the movie theatre, that’s my new thing. Or a hotel.Oh, yes!
I’m online talking to Kleg about mistakes, good ones, and Igo and make a terrible one. Instead of calling COMPLETELY from a blockednumber, I unblocked it and someone called back from his phone. There is alwayssomething with him. She’s there. And I’m supposed to believe that NOTHING ishappening?! Please. Born 2 years ago, I wasn’t. This shit is crazy and it’ssafe to say that I’m moving on. Until all of that gets fixed, I’m over it. Andhim. It’s not worth it. Just not. I just wish there was some way to go back anhour and a half so I wouldn’t have called without it being unblocked. Ugh. Takedeep breaths. There’s always something. So sneaky. Done.
ONE
“it felt so wrong, it felt so right, don’t mean I’m in lovetonight”
4.8.13
There is one thing that gets my head going about Kleg. Wewere talking on EP and we’d been talking for a while and I said something andhe sent me a pic of his dick and I was surprised because I hadn’t beenexpecting that. And I didn’t know how to respond, so I waited a bit. And hesent me another message, in a separate thread saying that: He hoped that hehadn’t disrespected me with his pic. He hadn’t, but I was just… surprised. Butjust the fact that he checked to make sure that we were still cool, that wecould still talk. And that’s how I know Kleg could be a real friend. Not justan online messaging buddy. Maybe I’m over-thinking it, but that’s how I feel.
ONE
“Do men like receiving gifts from women? From women, men, children, squirrels, Santa Bear, whoever”
4.11.13
Last night, I had a dream about a White man, who was attractedto me while I was running to find a place for me and James to hookup quickly.He was trying to come on to me, really creepily. And to throw him off, I toldhim that I was 16. Seemingly, he backed off. Me and James met… *EDIT* 4.2.13…up and started making out and the guy came over and was trying to attack us.So, we had to escape and we ran around and into this building in which mymother and maybe Quannie were. James and I hopped on an elevator and we gotstuck with this other guy and had to get out, but neither of them could figureit out. I realized that you have to push two buttons simultaneously. It wasweird. Lol.
ONE
“I’m exhausted”
4.12.13
One of my favorite basketball memories is one from when I’dalready stopped playing. I went back to SVA to watch a game and I’m sitting inthe stands with Lorn (I think it as a Marylawn game) and one of the spectatorsfor Marylawn comments on a girl who used to play for SVA who was fast aslightning (or something like that). lol. Basically, the girl she was talkingabout was really good, could handle the ball, so on and so forth. And,suddenly, it dawned on me that this woman was talking about me. And it wasflattering and odd that she would be talking about me, about 2 years after mylast HS game,while I was sitting there.
Today was crazy for ELT and chill for Basketball. Usually, it’sthe other way around.
ONE
"There's no place like home. With your family around you,you're never alone. When you know that you're loved, you don't need toroam."
-227
4.13.13
I just got finished crying. About a plethora of things. I don’treally want to explain.
Listening to “Thinkin’ About” by Tiffany Evans. I love this song.So good and an unexpected joy and mood-lifter (for some reason; especially whenyou think about the subject).
I thought about cutting myself, but decided against it. However,it was definitely one of those times when I’d want to and I’d love the feel ofthe scissors against my skin.
Debo and his team won their HS league championship. He got MVP.I look at him and he’s still the little boy in the too big clothes only nowhe’s in a grown man. And I’m proud of him.
I only have one brother, one honest sibling. And he’s it. Iwonder how I did.
---
I started crying again. I think… I think I’m getting over James.I mean, I was over him, but I think my heart is purging. How does that sound?I’m listening to “Nobody Knows it But Me” by Babyface and the tears are comingbecause this song is describing my situation so perfectly. I miss him. I thinkif we NEVER get back to where we were as friends or EVER talk to him, I’d misshim and our relationship. Even if we do become friends, I’d still miss theintimacy that we shared. He… he just was. it bugs me that I don’t really haveanyone to talk to. Is it my fault? Is it? I’ve never really had any friends.I’ve had classmates, teammates, campmates, roommates, acquaintances, FBfriends, EP fans/friends, etc. I guess. I’m sorry. I guess Jeniece, Court andLu would be considered my friends, but this side of me they’ve never seen and Ihave to keep a low-profile on this kind of thing. I guess, I don’t want them tosee that I’m hurting and I’ve been hurt. While typing this, I realize that I’veleft out Steve and I think that I could talk to him because we talk so easily.But only on occasions have we talked about personal stuff. And, in addition toeverything else we have in common, we like to maintain a high-level of privacy.
I want to watch a movie that I haven’t seen that many times(Bull Durham) and something that is going to take my mind off of this phantompain.
ONE
“be mine”
“I like it”
4.16.13
Every time I open a piece of mail with my name on it. I justknow that it’s no good. I mean, it’s always saying, I owe these people and thatand I know that 14,000 of that debt came from my education which I’m gratefulfor, but I’m starting to crumble.
How the FUCK am I supposed to pay for it?
How?
I work 3 hours a day, 5, sometimes 4, days a week. I can’tafford anything.
I’m done feeling sorry for myself for the day. Lol.
Sometimes I look a jobs and realize that I am so under-qualifiedand unprepared for a job with no experience and then I exit out of the window,but sometimes (like now) I say what the hell, I might as well apply. The worsethey can do is say they’ve already filled the position, right?
*EDIT*
4.18.13
I had a dream about James a couple of days ago. And he and I hadmet up somehow in my father’s attic (I don’t remember) and we had sex and itwas really good, but he wasn’t wearing protection and I wanted him to pull out,but he wouldn’t and couldn’t and he came in me. UGH!! Then, last night I had adream that we ended up at the same hotel: him and his family (children’s motherand daughter[s]) and me and a bunch of my relatives. And we talked and kissed alittle bit and he tried to convince me that he was done with her and I justwanted intimacy so I was letting him do his spiel and I was “watching” “MustLove Dogs” so there were dogs and water/swimming. Lol. I don’t know. I justknow that he was in the dream and he was trying to tell me that what I was seeingwasn’t really what I saw. And then his girl kinda disappeared and my bus leftso I was stuck at the hotel with him, sitting underneath him and canoodling.Lol.
My mother’s not feeling well right now. And while I was helpingmy brother care for her, I remembered that she’s supposed to have some kind ofsurgery or something. And she is so secretive. Like, I wouldn’t even know aboutthe surgery if she hadn’t said it in passing. She’s weird like that. And itscares me. Like now. My mother could know that something is wrong physicallyand she won’t say anything. Knowing that explains so much about me. If I’m inpain, I won’t take painkillers, I’ll just go with it until the feeling and painpasses.
ONE
“your heart’s a fucking liar!”

4.19.13
There’s a song that has been in my head constantly for the last2 days. It’s “All I Want is Forever” sung by the sexy Ms. Regina Belle and thesmooth Mr. James “JT” Taylor. This song was/is on the soundtrack to the movie“Tap” starring the late, great Mr. Gregory Hines and the adorable Mr. Suzanne_____ (I’m supposed to be watching the movie right about now, but…). The song is a fun and upbeat jam and themusic video is tres enjoyable.
Anyway, the song is a classic R&B duet and the voices of Ms.Belle and Mr. Taylor song so good together, true talents, the likes of which wedon’t see many of nowadays. But that’s not the subject I’m addressing today.The song, “All I Want is Forever,” has the two voices talking to each other,begging, that they can have forever with each other. And “is that asking toomuch” because that’s ALL they want. Sweet, right? The point of the song is toexpress the needs and wants in a relationship and although it may seem like alot, they’re not. Or vice versa. Lol. My favorite line is: “All I know is/ whenwe’re together/ baby/ time passes much too fast/and I want to make it last/last forevermore”. I love this line because it seemed like that a lot when Iwas with James, we’d be together all day or on the phone for hours and when itwas time to hang up or leave, it would seem like he’d just called me and I’dpicked up the phone or I’d just gotten to his house. Time passed so fast, likea snap and that segment of our time spent together was over. I miss that, evenwith the time passing so quickly.
Another song that has been on the dome is another unforgettable(although I did for a brief time) by the incomparable Ms. Regina Belle, “MakeIt Like It Was”. This song. This song right here. Good God! This song justtouches my soul and melts my heart. Never mind the amazing music or thebrilliance of the vocals; the lyrics are heartbreaking and heartwarming. Now,personally, I think the song is a spiritual song dedicated to God soaked in thejuiciness of rhythm and blues, but who am I to judge? The combo of the voice,lyrics and music… there’s a reason why music was created. The song is perfect.
The lyrics are endearing so much so because if you think of itas a spiritual creation or an R&B jam, it works either way. If you’vefallen off the “right” path, you play this song and it’s like an apology to Godand He’ll definitely accept because he’s “able”. “Make it like it was/ it waseasier for me/ I know you’re able/ to make it like it was”. But! If it’s directed at a lover, it soundslike a plea to turn back the hands of time to when things were happier, easierand definitely more desirable. “Make it like it was/ the way it used to be/when I hungered for you love/ constantly”.
My favorite line: “Now it seems the needs/ are a secondarything/ but it truly makes me wonder/ what’s really happening”. This is myfavorite because of the simplicity and because I felt like that so often in myrelationship with James. Like, what the hell is going on? And, I guess, a partof me is happy that I don’t have to ask thosequestions, I still wish sometimes that He and he would “Make it Like itWas”.
ONE
“why would you want to be married to me anyway?”
“so I can kiss you anytime I want”
4.21.13
I’ve been looking at this one Tumblr and Lord have mercy it hasopened my eyes. Now, a lot of it about the LGBT community. But the other lot is about women and Black people andgetting to know my culture (being Black and a Woman) and getting to know thehistory and the facts and information that I didn’t know about. It’seye-opening. Basically, I’m getting an education that I’ve never gotten. Orthat I’ve only gotten a minimal of. It’s good. I’ll just be a little bit sadwhen I’ve come to the end.
Ray Allen: It’s 2013 so he plays with the Heat after having beenwith the Celtics for the last 5 years. The reason he’s being featured isbecause it was mentioned that if he’d stayed in Boston, his mother and his wifewould have run in the Boston Marathon, with him at the finish line waiting forthem. And that means that they would have all been in the dangerous path of thebombs that exploded a couple of days ago. That’s crazy to think about, thedecisions that we make. And how they affect any and everything that we do.
ONE
“so when you say ‘you know who,’ I don’t know who you talkin’‘bout
“life ain’t always beautiful.”
4.25.13
He got fired from the gym. The police say that he was caught oncamera breaking into the gym. I don’t know. I don’t know how much of that Ibelieve. And I can’t find him to ask him, so I’ll probably never know. Ithought about sending him a letter, but I don’t know. a part of me misses him,the intimacy, of course (because I keep talking about it), but the other partis glad that I got out before all of the foolish. And even with everything he’sgoing through, I still wanna be his friend. I still want to know what hethinks.
Lately, I haven’t been eating anything before I go to work. Atwork I’ll have won ton chips or a pop-tart, water and that’s all until I comehome at 6/6:30p and I eat whatever. I don’t know how well that’s been working.Today, I had a pork chop, a lot of gravy and two pieces of bread and the porkchop feels like it’s burning my tongue, like I wasn’t supposed to have it. Butit tasted really good. But I kinda feel guilty.
ONE
“so I’ll have special something ‘cause I’ll know what to wear…”

Saturday, 06 April 2013

Somebody's Heartbreak

_{questions that i have}
_{do you sleep with her in your arms, clutching her body andtaking in her scent?}
_{does she kiss down your body, leaving the hairs on your armsstanding up from the passion?}
_{do you put your thumb to her lips before you kiss?}
_{how does it feel to know that i'm the one you want, but she'sthe one you have?}
_{i wonder if she knows that you like to be held and protected}
_{why does the thought of you kissing her neck and ears make mesick?}
_{do you make the same kind of plans and promises about love andmarriage and the future?}
_{why do i even care?}

3.17.13
I’m watching “When Harry Met Sally”. Harry is just likeSteve, making me like Sally. And I can only hope that our relationship ends uplike that. I know I’d be safe and he’d love me and we have this greatfriendship and awesome connection. But, I know it probably won’t. Harry andSally just remind me of us. And this kind of tit for tat, make you laugh,faux-attraction thing. I appreciate our friendship and it really makes me happythat I have it.
I just came back from Jay’s birthday party. I had a blast. Iwish my hair was better, but that’s always a problem, right? Lol. It was lastyear. Some things don’t change. Other than my hair, I looked fine… almostgrown-up. lol.
I have a cold. I came down with something and I’m in alittle bit of pain.
I’m supposed to meet James today downtown. I think he’sgonna ask me for money. It’ll be semi-awkward and weird. I haven’t seen him in2 months after seeing him at least once a week for the last year and a half.Lol. Crazy shit.
I’m about to go and have some bangin’ Chinese food.
I gotta call my father back. And check on Lu. Strike that,reverse it.
---
James and I were supposed to meet at McDonald’s at 2:30p,but his train was late and my bus was a little late. I got there first, orderedmy food and then I wandered over to Rainbow and looked at all of the clothesand shoes and jewelry. Then, when I was in the back, I glanced up and saw himcome in, but I pretended that I hadn’t seen him, but I had to come from behindthe rack. I walked up to him and we hugged. He hugged me extra tight, too. lol.I paid for my stuff; then we went down the street to Mickey D’s. We sat at thebar-thingy on a couple of stools. Then he wanted to move to a booth.
We moved to the booth and sat across from each other. Hecouldn’t even look at me. He said it was because of my eyeliner which I knewwas going to throw him for a loop, but I think it was because he was nervousand just wasn’t sure how to ask for what he wanted to ask for. I was so surethat he was going to ask for money. He didn’t. Nope. He wants to get backtogether. He wants me and him to be an us again. That was a little unexpected.And I was flattered, but not sure how to go about it. So, I just listened whilehe told me that he’d thought about me every day, that he missed me so much andhow part of his stress was me not being in his life. And every phrase that cameout of his mouth was more heartwarming and sincere than the one before. I wasso surprised that he’d still felt this way even after he told me that he justwanted to be FWB and didn’t want a relationship which is what he thought Iwanted. Now that I think about it… he was probably hoping that I asked for arelationship so that he could confess his want for one, too. And we just sat inMickey D’s for hours talking and trying to clear shit up, trying to figure shitout, very reminiscent of our first date at Wendy’s. lol. I have missed him, butlike I told him: I just need to know that I’m not getting back with him becauseI miss the idea of him or because I feel bad for him. I need to have those samebutterflowery feelings again.
McDonald’s started to close so we started walking to the busstop and I missed my bus (although it wasn’t one of those times in the pastwhen I missed it just to miss it, we didn’t cross the street fast enough. Lol)So we went into Wells Fargo and hung out for a half an hour, talking andcarrying on. When we walked in, he walked in behind me and then all of suddenhis lips were on mine and we were kissing against a wall. That was so shocking,too. I mean. Then, we just hung out like old times, really. We kissed and heheld me. I will admit, definitely won’t lie, I missed his touch. Him holding meagain was coming home. Kissing him could be exactly what I want to do for therest of my life.
James seemed so true and honest and sincere, but he is a manso I’m skeptical. Sex is easy. If he’s doing it for sex, he should just say so.I’m going to ask him outright and take whatever answer he gives me. If hereally wants me, he has to make me fall for him again. We can’t just pick upwhere we left off and expect that it all goes back to normal… nope. But, I havemy options and I’m considering them all carefully. I think he’s jealous becauseI told him that I was talking to someone else. I know it shocked the hell outof him when I told him that I was actually conversing with 3 guys (plus him).lol. SOUR!! But, uh, it was just a crazy day. I hadn’t seen him in 2 months, Isee him and he tells me he wants me back.
ONE
“What’s your version of a happy ending?”
3.18.13
I think that I just want to be friends with benefits or,best friends with benefits. I don’t think that I want to be in a real,honest-to-goodness relationship with James. I think I want his friendship,companionship and his body. lol. I don’t know what that sounds like, but that’show I feel. He said that wanted to get back together, but since I’m goingoverseas, we should just be FWB. Sounds good to me. I think that I coerced himinto the idea. I don’t mind. Lol.
ONE
“she got her hair straight, she got a good job”
3.19.13
I was so shocked, just to see him there looking like a dogwith his tail between his legs. It was weird because he hardly made eye contactand
ONE
“to every job that must be done there is an element of fun”

3.20.13
I was deemed foolish to think that on top of everything thatmy mother could help me with my mission of getting overseas. Foolish. Becausenot only does she have 2 businesses, she also has a job and our basketballprogram and has to help my brother get into the best college for him. So, yes,she’s my mother, but she has so many plates spinning, so much other crap to do,why, no how could she POSSIBLY help me deal with my plates and problems? How?
So, I just found that for ANY program that I apply to, I’mgoing to need official copies of my degree. Which I don’t have because that’sone of the reasons I was going overseas to help pay for my TCNJ bill and nowit’s just being a hindrance to me because without it, I. can’t. go. SHIT! And Idon’t know how I’m going to get the money or pay for it. I don’t. I have HESAA,my doctor’s bill and TCNJ breathing down my back. My citicard is okaye, butit’s there, too. staring at me waiting to be paid in full. And my mom keepstelling me to use it. for what? I don’t have 2,000 dollar limit. I WISH! So,what’s to use it for?
Grey’s was good today. So good I’m going to watch it again.
ONE
“I wanna be bad”
ONE
3.26.13
Masturbation-period
Moving on. Kashawn/james

3.30.13
On my way to FL for I don’t really know the exact number. Iwent to sleep “early” in anticipation of the day. And we left later than normalAND had to switch buses AND were stuck in traffic for a while.
James decided that he would give me an ultimatum. He wantsme to say “yes” or “no” as if it’s so easy. It’s not. And I told him, at thispoint, I would have to say “no” because he’s not the guy I fell in love with.He thinks I’m just supposed to agree to be with him because I want to. I wantto have sex with Carmelo Anthony, but that doesn’t meant that if he asks thatI’m going to automatically say yes. o.O even though I probably would.
ONE
“you give and you take. You come and you go. You leave mehere wondering if I’ll ever know how much you care or how much you don’t.Whatever you need, whatever you want.”
4.1.13
People think I’m younger than I am. It’s probably (I guess)because I am very youthful and I don’t do the whole serious-adult thing. LikeRube said, “Life is short and death is long”. I want to live to the fullest,being happy and joyful and stress/drama-free. And I’ve realized that if I’m notmy usual, jubilant way, things change and people bother me asking me what’swrong when I’m just trying to conform to society’s expectations of my age. I dorandom experiments around people to see how they react to a “different” me, aside they’re not used to and it’s weird. It’s awkward and people aren’t surewhat to do or think because I’m not doing what I normally do to make things“fun”. *shrugs*. Catch-22.
I like Klegend, but I’m not sure where it’s going or couldgo beyond constant messaging on EP. I’m not even sure that I want it to gofurther.
What is with guys and proper grammar? Did they just notlearn or they’re rushing or they’re lazy or WHAT?! I think it’s a combinationof all of them. And there’s really no difference between the educated ones andthe ones who lack it. Example: James gets shit wrong all of the time. AndKlegend gets shit wrong, too. So James is 26 with a HS diploma. And Klegend is 19.Lu, who has two degrees, only gets his grammar correct when it’s pertinent towhat he’s talking about. All of the other times it’s shorthand which I don’treally like because it means that you’re extra lazy and even though I’m writingin complete sentences with damn-near perfect grammar, you don’t care and youput: cum ot plz. Thx.
*pause*
ONE
“if you ain’t got nobody these days, baby, you can hit me onmy cell or at home.”
4.5.13
Talking Dirty 2013
4.6.13
I, uh, I went to the gym with my brother to shoot around,have a little workout or whatever. And James was there working. We didn’tspeak, I just waved. Then about 2 hours into our workout, he sends a littlegirl over to me to ask me if we could talk later when I was finished what I wasdoing. Sure. We started talking and going in circles. I’m saying: this is whatI want. He’s like: I want something else. And, so, we’re each holding somethingback. He said that I’ve changed. I agree, but he thinks it’s a bad change. Idisagree. I think my change is growth and good growth at that. I’m morestrong-minded and more no-nonsense. But, anyway, he asked what he had to do tokiss me. And I was floored, shocked even. Then, I left for a bit and came backand told him that he just had to hug me. When he tried to hug me, I put myhands up. Then, we went into the locker room and we started kissing and kissingturned to touching and moaning and groping and grabbing and lifting andfingering and stroking. It was a lot going on. And I was doing a good job ofkeeping my cool and not letting the moment run away with me. But I startedthinking about how long it’d been since I’d had sex and I wanted to takeadvantage of him. And that’s what I did. I growled that I wanted to feel himjust once. Then, I told him to lay down. He got down hella fast. Lol. Then, Igot on top of him. Aaaannnndddd, once felt so good that I need twice andthrice. Basically, I rode him until I came. As I was coming, I started to cry.My head started spinning and I didn’t know what I was doing or why. Like, Icould have waited. It wasn’t imperative that we have sex, but that’s whathappened. And my orgasm felt good, but I felt so embarrassed and ashamed andconfused afterwards, like what I did was wrong. Which, I guess, it was becausewe aren’t together and it was raw and I just felt dirty and just … wrong. I felt a little okay because he didn’t comeand I wasn’t worried about him him I don’t want him to think that it means thatwe’re back together. But, we’re not. Itwas just sex. Not, “just sex,” but I’m not in love with him and we’re nottogether because of a random hookup. I love him. I really do, but I don’t knowif I want to be with him. I just don’t know. Fuck. Maybe I do know, but I can’tI admit it to myself and definitely not to him.
I miss the sex and the intimacy. Not gonna lie. Himfingering me felt so good and when he sucked on my titties. I was done. Thattriggered the sex. Forreal. Lol. I did miss that. His touch, his caress. Yep. Ididn’t even mention the best part. When my brother and I were leaving, hehadn’t closed up the gym yet and was waiting on a ride and I could tell he wasa little different. And when my brother stepped outside, I saw his children’smother waiting for him. We made eye contact for like 1 second. I wanted tolaugh because it was just weird that me and him just had sex and there she is.He’s probably having sex with her, too. I don’t know and will never know forsure. But, I have to learn how to control my hormones in enclosed spaces. Iwill do that.
Dear God,
Thank you for allowing us to have a great trip to Floridaand back. I was wondering if there is some magical, mystical, miraculous waythat I can pay off my TCNJ bill. Please. I REALLY wanna go overseas. Thank youfor blessing me far more than I deserve. -TCW
ONE
“a dream is a wish your heart makes”

Monday, 11 March 2013

Are You Gonna Be There

3.1.13
Some things I keep to myself. My father is sickly. He’s anoverweight diabetic, asthmatic. He was in the hospital last week because he hadpneumonia and he was there for like a week or something like that. And tonight,I found out that he’s in the hospital again because he was feeling“light-headed” and he had chest pains. On top of all of that, his kidneys arefailing. The first thing I thought about was would I donate a kidney to him.Hmmm, I don’t know. I know surgery’s required and I haven’t been a patient in ahospital since I was a small child. But, that’s neither here nor there. As thesaying goes, we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.
I’m watching “Wedding Crashers” which is one of my favoritemovies of all-time. It’s too fucking funny and I love it. I love the comedy,the romance, the near-drama. And Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn are so sexy; I’min love with them.
I just had some Wendy’s and I was 90% through my chickensandwich and I found this long-ass hair in my sandwich. I just stopped eatingand came upstairs.
ONE
“…looked like a big, lesbian mule”
3.4.13
I don’t know how I feel right now. I’m feeling a little sad,upset, etc. All of those feelings that don’t quite mean “angry” or “mad,” butare stepping stones to those particular feelings. I used to have someone tocall my own. I used to have someone that I could talk to at any point in theday or night. I had someone who was my friend and lover and my best friend.Now, I’m alone. Not completely, but enough to know that I’m lacking, I’m missingsomething. I know what needs to happen. And I’m trying to put into the works now. I need something different.Everyone has their family and their friends. And my family is removed from meand so are my friends. My best friend is absent and my other friends are whothey always were and that’s fine. But, there are times when I need to vent andI can’t because there are no ears. So, I put my emotions, thoughts on Xanga.And there is no feedback coming back because no one knows. I’m just …struggling. I don’t have a happy place right now. I guess the closest thingthat I have is my job and going to the gym because those things bring me themost joy, but I need something else, something grown up. I see two of mycousins have a weekend together and I’m all like… ugh, because 1. I’m not thereand not included. My other cousins are always talking and just being. I don’thave that kind of relationship with any of my family members.
I wonder… am I destined to live this life of desertion? Idon’t know. I certainly hope not. There is so much I want to do and if I haveto do them alone, collecting memories and acquaintances by myself, then Isuppose that’s what I’ll have to do.
ONE
“2,000 miles and 1 left turn”
3.8.13
Hand sanitizer reminds me of my ex-boyfriend. Lol. I putsome on hand sanitizer yesterday and I just smelled him. Or what it was like tobe around him.
ONE
“Isthat where Timbuktu was born?”

3.10.13
I’vebeen masturbating to move around the time that my period comes. And lately, theorgasms have been quite intense. ALMOST, well, close to almost the same way itwas with James.
Wedecided to be “friends with benefits” or, in short, “fuck-buddies”. We haven’ttalked since that conversation and everyday I’m more inclined to decline hisadvances. I guess, at this point, I’d rather just wait for the next guy. Doesthat make sense?

ONE
“Jumpin bed, cover up your head because Santa Clause comes tonight.”

3.11.13
Watchingan episode of Jack & Bobby (19), I can’t help but feel overly emotional. Idon’t have a religion. Somewhat brought up in the Baptist church, I’ve long agostrayed (though not all my fault). In college, I found that I liked talkingabout the Bible, although actually going to church never appealed to me. Evengoing into a church gives me a feeling that I don’t quite belong. And it couldbe all in my mind (but that doesn’t mean that it’s not real).
Inaddition to Bobby finding religion, Missy realizes that she’s pregnant. And I’mconveniently reminded of the times when I thought I was pregnant. When I had NOONE to turn to (except for James) and I just felt so helpless and it reallyshowed me how ignorant I was. Getting pregnant is no small thing and to,seemingly, not have a web of people behind you is scary as hell.
Thisjust popped into my mind… I remember being on the phone with James one nightand it had been one of those nights when we talked for hours and theconversation turned to marriage and engagements, stuff like that. And I’mpretty sure he asked me to marry him. Crazy, right? If it had been, official,official, which I could have pushed… would we be in the odd situation in whichwe’re in now? I don’t know. Know I don’t.

So,I’m REALLY thinking that my next move is to go to overseas. I think this issomething that I really need to do and I really need to get on it before Ireally miss my window (that’s what my mother used to say all of the time, shedoesn’t say it that much anymore, but it makes so much sense in this context).

Lu isengaged to Angela. Congratulations to them. I had a vision of Jeniece gettingproposed to at her birthday party. Wouldn’t that be something? lol. They’re mytwo closest friends. They’d all be getting engaged and I’d be all, hey, Icollect DVDs. Lmao.
Iremember when I first started watching “Dead Like Me”. It made so much sense tome. And I was convinced that it actually happened that way. I was covertlyobsessed with people who touched me, afraid that they were popping my soul.Lol.

Itook a nap earlier, after some bangin’ chicken parm and a mozzarella “slate”(lol) from Maggiano’s. It was so good. Fucking delicious. Probably the bestchicken I’ve ever had and the pasta was okay, but the chicken was on point.

So,Klegend messaged me back. I got back to him and then him to me and me to him,but now I haven’t heard from him in a couple of days. *sigh* Am thinking toomuch about it. Well, I was, but I’ve kind of loosening my mental grip on thewhole thing. I’m just taking it for what it is. An flirtatious, onlinerelationship. ‘Tis all. For now, I guess. I guess we don’t know what’ll happenwhen shit happens.

I’mstill trying to lose weight. We’re leaving for FL in 18 days. I’m so souped. Andready.
Ican’t wait to go to FL. I need a break from reality.

ONE

“…andpromise not to promise anymore”

Wednesday, 27 February 2013

You Are Not Alone

2.17.13
What I miss: When James used to put his head in my chest and I’d stroke his head.
I just masturbated and for the first time in a long time, I called out his name. And I meant it.
Usually, I think about him and remember how it used to be, but this time, I wanted his body.

I called him on Friday from a blocked number. And I knew he wasn’t going to answer, but he did and we talked for like a minute and then he hung upon me or the call dropped, whatever. Anyway, I sent him a text and then a couple of minutes later after I was brooding and even more pissed off at him, he called back.

Hearing his voice was like drinking Gatorade after a basketball game. Iso loved it. And we talked and he told me that his life was falling apart atthe seams, basically. One of his daughters is in the hospital, he lost his job,his children’s mother got kicked out of her apartment, so they’re living withhim for the time being. Basically, his life is crazy right now. And I wastrying to press upon him the fact that he should have called and that he shouldhave told me.

I wonder if he’s having sex with her. That could be unlikely becausethe kids are in the same room, but are they kissing, touching? I don’t know. Hedid say that he didn’t want to tell me that they’d moved in with him so Iwouldn’t think that they’d gotten back together. And I think I made the mistakeof saying that I didn’t care. I do care. I just want him to be happy,satisfied, healthy, my best friend and continuing being a good father.

Talking with him was almost like old times. There were a few awkwardmoments, but other than that, it was like before. We were laughing and carryingon, telling jokes, making innuendos… I think we even made a plan to meet up andhave sex. But, I need to think about it and make sure that I’ll be safe.

ONE

“I can’t stop… how I feel.”

2.18.13
Friends: Tonight, Lu called me. And, at first, I dismissed the call.But then, I looked at the time and figured that he was on his way home and needed someone to talk to and I definitely know that feeling. So, I called him back and I could tell that he was upset, probably crying. His girlfriend told him that she didn’t want to get married, something that he wanted and he was probably devastated, but tried to stay strong. It was heartbreaking. His luck with women has been a little on the down side and I definitely thought that Angela was his chance to be happy with a woman who appreciates him for being intelligent and kind and handsome. We’ll see. His words are saying that he wants to break up, but he doesn’t want to be the one to end it. He wants her to do it.

ONE

“you know I’m a dreamer…”

2.26.13
Could we ever get back together again?
Only the situation is drastically different, BUT our relationship (howwe relate and react to each other) was the same. I want that camaraderie, thattrue friendship. But that drama, shiiiit, he can keep that. And I feel bad forhim, but he created that by having children with a girl that he wasn’t in lovewith and having not one, but two kids.

I miss my best friend. And I’m starting to forget what it feels like tohave that person in my corner. He was always there on the phone, at the gym,FB, texting, on dates, hooking up… making love. I miss his presence. And

There was a black car following me on Friday. I panicked a little. Ihad a dream about it last night. on that day, my shoestring came loose… twice!

*EDIT* And my grandmother keeps bringing it up, so I’ve been avoidingher because it upsets me. And I’ve tried to shake it off because I’ll have towalk home by myself and so… it just pisses me off that she says it so casually.I would never!

I was tying my sneaker with a basketball under my knee and a lady in a truck stops to ask me about basketball and such and as I’m telling her that I don’t play anymore, that I just coach… I see Becky! Lol. I haven’t seen her in like 10 years… seriously. And it was crazy. I think about her a lot because it’s a girl in my ELT class who reminds me so much of her, goofy and a nut and a little slow and funny and smart and drama-filled. Lol. I miss that kid.

ONE

“every day I sit and ask myself how did love slip away…”

“someone beautiful is cursed…”
“there is no curse or evil spell that’s worse than one we give ourselves // there is no sorcerer as cruel as the proud, angry fool…”

2.27.13

I want to change. For this reason, I envy Dan because he did what I’ll NEVER have the courage to do, break away from everything I’ve known, my comforts, and do my own thing. I kind of admire him for that. sometimes I want to do that, just move myself from everything. And change. I want to change and Iactually want change. So even with the many reservations that I have about going to China or wherever, I don’t mind because it’s totally different. I don’t know anyone over there and they don’t know me.

I talked to James today. I was carrying a bunch of juice to the school and they were heavy. And I remembered when he had to take those cans to the gym and complained the entire time that they were “heavy” and I just chastised him because, psht, how can 6 cans be heavy to a grown-ass man. Boy, was I wrong. I sent him a text that said: “I apologize”. And he called me, but I missed the call and then he texted me. And I thought about texting him back, but I called him and he answered. It was weird hearing his voice. Lol. A little. I hadn’t heard it in 2 weeks. And we’ve been broken up for a month now…. crazy.
We chatted for a minute and then he asked if he could call me back andI was like… yeah. He never did, which, I guess I’m getting used to. We weresupposed to make plans to meet up, but… I don’t know. i won’t know until hecalls me because I’m not calling him.

After talking for a minute or so, he said: “I do know one thing,though. I do know I miss you.” I just had to pause. I wasn’t expecting it, so Iwas a little taken aback. I made a small joke, then I told him that I missedhim, too. which I do. every day. It’s almost, not as severe as it was when Dan“left”. But, I actually cried, sobbed even, when I realized that Dan and Iwould never be friends again. I guess because James and I have this kindaawkward, so-so, “getting there” relationship, I don’t feel devastated or tooupset. I love him still. In love, no, but I love him dearly. I miss him, too.Like a period when you think you’re pregnant. Lol.
ONE
“I love him even though my friends say he’s not alright”

Thursday, 14 February 2013

Semi-Charmed (Kinda) Life

2.7.13
I decided to watch Bridge to Terabithia. I started it last night andfinished it this morning. It was so sad. When that little girl died, I juststarted to tear up which I usually do with movies with sad scenes, but then Icouldn’t stop and I really started crying. My first thought went to Dave, thento Terrance, but then I wondered if I was really just crying for Leslie, thegirl. Hmmm. I just know that I was crying over BtT. Lol. It’s not funny, butkinda because I haven’t cried that hard during a movie in a minute. But it wasa really good movie. I liked it.

ONE
“When autumn comes, it doesn’t ask. It just walks in where it left youlast.”

2.12.13
I just had a breakdown, a minor one. My mother asked me to find someBachi balls and I said something rude, apologized, found the balls and as I wastaking them down to her, I started to cry. And for a while, I couldn’t stop.Then, I felt so much better. I just needed to cry and a hug. Oh my, the tearsare coming again. Wait, maybe not. Nope, I’m good. talking to Klegend, I don’tknow how I feel. He’s so much younger than I am. Still a teenager and I feellike this desperate, older woman preying. Lol. Maybe I won’t feel like that when he turns 20. Lol.

ONE
“she was everything beautiful and different”

2.13.12 @ 12:04a
I just had one of the best orgasms in a long time. It was the kind oforgasm that James would have to kiss me and cover my mouth all at the sametime. I was louder than normal and it felt so good. I wanted to cry afterwards,but not the kind of cry because it felt so good, but I wanted to shed tearsbecause I know that I probably won’t have sex with James again and I likedmaking love to him. It was enjoyable and fun, sensual and relaxing and I feltsafe and good. I’m going to miss that, honestly.

I’m having a hard time watching basketball and keeping up with theKnicks because that’s OUR team. AND (on top of that) I feel like they’re notdoing as well because we’re not together. Dumb, I know, but still. That’s how Ifeel.

ONE
“I don’t drink any more… I don’t drink any less either”

2.14.13
1. I lost one of my earrings.
2. I called James a bunch of times and then his (I’m guessing)girlfriend answered the phone and was kind of rude, but not the kind of rudethat she was before. I guess because she has what/who she wants. And I don’tcare or care to blame her because I don’t have those same feelings for himanymore. Now, because he’s being a pussy. A real, honest to God pussy, I wantmy money. He owes me 65 dollars for the hotel, including the 5 that he owes mefrom what he borrowed last time. But I’m gonna tell him 70 because I’m mad athim and maybe. Ahh, just maybe, at some point, I’ll give it back. Psht. Whoknows?For all of the McDonald’s and Wendy’s and all that shit I bought, 5dollars is baby’s money. ← I don’t know what that means. Lol.

Some men are just boys. They don’t care what they have and how goodthey have it, they want what they want when they want it. I feel like I, um,brought up his value. OOOOOOHHHHH!!!
I had a dream where he needed something and so he showed up at my housequickly, getting a ride and everything, I don’t know what it was, but heobviously wanted it. Then, I held it from him because I liked seeing him. And Ibrought him in the house through the side door which isn’t opened, but it wasin my dream. And my Granma was in it, but the point is that I had him in mypossession for a long while. I don’t think he wanted to kiss me even when wewere alone. Oh, wait, he said he didn’t want to kiss me because of hisgirlfriend or something like that. And I didn’t take advantage because I stillconsidered us friends.

ONE
“I’m moving the frick on”